She is No Beauty School Drop Out

Our third roommate left last week to head back to her hometown.  She was a Uyghur girl who had come up to the big city to study Uyghur wedding hair and makeup with the hope of opening he own beauty shop.  She ended up finding a school close to our home that specialized in  hair and makeup.  Every day the students would stand outside the school and try to entice women to come in and let them practice on them.  Both my roommate and I grab a friend and went on separate occasions to have our makeup done.  Wow, just getting done up gave me a lot of insight on what a Uyghur bride goes through.    

Traditionally at a wedding the bride is suppose to keep her eyes down and look a little sad at the thought of leaving her family.  I always marveled at the demure look of the girls here,  their shy upwards glances, and their straight faces .  At home the bride is normally smiling from ear to ear, greeting all of their guests in the eye.  Now I know it is not just culture that keep a Uyghur girl form acting this way… it is the ton of makeup that weighs he eye lids down.  

When I went in I told them I was going to a theater performance that night, they all agreed that meant I didn’t need the full out wedding look.  Instead I only got one set of extra long fake eyelashes with several coatings of mascara on them.    I also had scotch tape on my eye lids to help achieve the double eye lid fold – which is crazy since I am westerner and I naturally look like that.  Maybe some of you don’t know the Asian obsession with having a double eye lid.  Many people have surgery done to create this effect of having a small crease above their eyes.  For those who don’t want to go to such drastic measures a small piece of tape can be placed on you upper lid which causes the skin to fold over on itself.  People with my culture background are born with this added skin above the eye.  But even though I have a double lid, my beauty consultant student felt it necessary to accentuate it by sticking two pieces of tape on. The tape had to be covered over with several layers of foundation, eye shadow and glitter.  By the time all the eye makeup had been applied I could bear look up if I wanted to.  My eyes felt so caked and heavy that I had trouble fully enjoying the theater show.  No wonder brides look down, their eyes hurt too much to do anything else. 

In one afternoon I was wearing more makeup that I have cumulatively in my whole life, and they had gone easy on me since I was just to a performance.   No wonder when my roommate look at pictures from my brother’s wedding she asked me if the brides in my country don’t wear makeup.  The idea of a simple, natural look that still even vaguely resembles your original state is unheard of.  

After her classes finished our house began to take on the feel of bridal Barbie’s’ glittering paradise.  She was out daily shopping for wedding dresses (she bought eight or nine of them to rent out), bridesmaid's dresses, tiaras, necklaces, veils, fake flower bouquets, wedding car decoration,  and anything else that sparkled.  The office in our apartment became over run with supper huge hoop skirts- the type that doesn’t even fit through the door way and hair products.   Finally all of it got stuffed into several large bags and dragged to the bus station.  While I miss having my roommate around, I have to admit it is nice not to be finding glitter in sticking to every fiber of the carpets, or bobby pins and fake eye lashes lying abandoned on the coffee table.  

Bridesmaid Dress Nightmares

During our girl’s weekend away, we also went wedding dress shopping for one of my friends. While she found a beautiful gown, we saw plenty of ugly, mainly in the form of some pretty hideous bridesmaid dresses. Just proving universal, cross cultural truth of what they guy said in 27 dresses “no bride wants to stand beside a bunch of girls that actually look nice."

The Main Event

The whole purpose behind my trip home this year was not just to visit with old friends or even to have my appendix out… the main purpose was to witness the wedding of my big brother and to share in their special day.

June 4^th marked this important day in their lives and I was glad that I could celebrate with them. The ceremony itself was very beautiful and very intentional in it message. I finally have a sister!

You may notice that we are wearing shawls in a few of the pictures… those were not standard wedding apparel. In fact I picked them up at the grand bazaar in Central Asia before coming home. I had seen a picture of the bridesmaids dresses on-line and knew they were way too revealing. I had told my Muslim neighbors that I was going home for my brother’s wedding, if I brought back photos of me looking that inappropriate they might disown me. I bought a white shawl for the bride as well, so that they would know my brother had found himself a virtuous wife (since being home I have got to know her and see her beautiful heart… but sadly that wouldn’t communicate cross-culturally if all that can be seen is bare shoulders). Decent or indecent it was a beautiful day.

Today I Met the Boy I’m Going to Marry

I had just gotten off the bus and was walking down the snow packed lane towards my home. As I passed the bazaar one of the young Uyghur guys who stands outside with a camera in hand to take pictures of the tourists called out to get my attention. I waved my hand in dismissal trying to indicate that I was not in need of photos. However this young man was more persistent than most, and I ended up turning to him and having to tell him very clearly that I live here and don’t need cheap touristy shots of myself standing beside a building I pass every day.

He was so surprised I spoke Uyghur, that he quickly grabbed his bag and started to follow me home. He asked questions about where I was from, and how old I am. He also asked how easy it was to get a Canadian passport, and before we had even made it to the front gate of my apartment complex he had popped the big question. He had proposed, he had asked for my hand in marriage, he committed his life to me (or at least to my passport).

Now I just have to decide what I want. Do I want to marry the camera guy, or am I more interested in the taxi driver that asked to marry me last week, or should I keep my options open for the son of the shop keeper I meet last week ( I didn’t actually get to meet the boy, but his mom thought we would be perfect for each other).

They say that every girl spends time dreaming about the way her man will propose. I don’t need to dream about it, I get to live it at least once a month since I moved here. My roommate keeps a running total of how many proposals she has had on her facebook page, I think she is nearing 20. If we were doing something to instigate these professions of ‘love’ it might be understandable why the count is increasing so quickly, but we don’t do anything. Today as I walked home, I didn’t say or do anything. I kept my eyes pinned to the ground so as never to make eye contact. I answered all of his question with only two word grunts. I made sure he knew I was a lot older than he was. I tried to say goodbye three times and in the end I walked the other direction, away from my home so that my new suitor would not know where I lived.

I’m getting good at excuse as to why I can’t marry them. “I am still young” (which doesn’t work as well now that I am over thirty), “My older brother isn’t even married yet” (Bruce is going to strip me of this one very soon), “we are on different paths” (they Uyghur word for husband is literally ‘roadmate’). I have told some of them that they are not tall, or handsome, or rich enough for my taste. But my best ’out’ is blaming it on my father. I have told some guys that they will need to get my father’s permission, and in order to do that they will have to learn English, fly to Canada, and convince my family that they are worthy.

So dad, if a Uyghur guy shows up at the front door with a camera in hand, you will know why he is really there.

You’re Getting Married NOW!

Drama, Drama, Drama! One of my Uyghur friends is almost 25 and not yet married. While her family still lives out in a country village, she has been living in the big city since she was 18. Her family always figured her move to the city would allow her to meet a more wealthy and influential man to seal her future. But after seven years of singleness her parents were getting desperate.

A few weeks ago her mother came to town to announce that she had to get married NOW! She was disappointed with her daughter’s slowness in this area, and saw it as having a direct negative reflection on her as a mother. She really thought she had lost face in their village for raising a daughter that was either so inept that no man wanted her, or so wilful and headstrong that she wouldn’t accept a perfectly good match. When her mother came to town she came armed with a man to match her daughter up with. His parents were from the same village and approved the idea of their two families being joined. The guy was also living in the city, he was divorced with a child and was almost 15 years older than my friend. He needed a new mother for his soon to be teenage son.

Unbenounced to my friend’s mother was that her daughter had a boyfriend (Uyghur young people don’t tend to tell their parents about their love life until they are ready to start planning the wedding. At that point the young people often try to arrange a match maker to go to the parents and suggest the match. In the city some couples have been together for five years before their parents learn of their significant other). My friend had to quickly call up her boyfriend, who was spending three months out of town on business, and tell him to take the 24hour bus ride to come and meet her mother, or else she just might be married by the time he was done with work.

Two men, one wedding date (already set and arranged by the family) the drama between a concerned/ overbearing mother and a daughter with her own ideas ended with my friend keeping her families wedding date and plans, but switching out the groom. She and her boyfriend hadn’t been together long, they had never talked about marriage, and she isn’t sure she loves him, but at least she knows him and that seems better than marrying a complete stranger in just a few weeks.

I am so thankful, that even though I am 30 my parents are NOT forcing me into a life long union with a complete stranger.

Wedding Princess

A Uyghur wedding would make any Disney princess jealous -- sparkles, big hair, fake eyelashes, tons of make-up, huge flowers, full skirts, ballroom dancing... if only they could figure out the pumpkin carriage, they'd be all set.

In the afternoon the men and women are separated for tea times. The girls eat, gossip, fix their hair and make-up, and EAT some more.

Corsages for close friends and family - you got to love the glitter and fake feathers. The best thing about the corsages is that we can TOTALLY wear them again.

The men break into the woman's tea to steal the bride, but first they must dance and sing for her guests.

Uyghurs also have a similar saying about tying the knot... so for their first dance the bridal party tied the couple together.

Not Fast Enough

The Uyghur people value the idea of marriage, or at least its statues. I have been told more than once by friends that it is better to have been married and gotten divorced, than to never have married at all. As girls get older they will feel enormous amounts of press to marry and ‘get it over with’.

Traditional Uyghur bride and groom

With this cultural understanding as a backdrop, you will understand why all my friends and teachers have started an outright campaign to get me married off. My roommate thinks she knows the prefect person for me… her ‘perfect person for me’ has a suggestion of his own on who would be a good match. My teachers spent half of our class period the other day discussing the matter. One teacher even offered me her younger brother… which is quite the allowance, considering what a devote Muslim she is (the whole idea of letting such an unclean, pork eater as myself into the family is unthinkable). Thankfully I stopped them before we got to my bride price.

I can pretty much avoid most of the offers with a quick etymological look at the Uyghur word for husband ‘yoldash’. Yoldash literally means ones road mate. It implies that two people have chosen to walk together through life on the same path. When I point out that most Uyghur man walk on the Islamic road, and I am personally on another road, they see that it would be quite impossible for us to truly be road mates.

A few weeks ago after giving this little speech, in attempts to put an end to my teachers match-making meddling, one of my favourite staff members from the school’s Foreign Affairs office walked in. She is a single Uyghur woman about my age. The teachers quickly switched the focus of their inquires to her. “You’re still single, aren’t you?” they asked. “You don’t have a boy friend?” “Do you want to get married?” And off they were again… throwing out names and suggestions of men that might be a suitable suitor for her. I was glad to be out of the lime light on this discussion. But yesterday this same girl invited me to her wedding in January. The matching making, the set-up, the dating, the proposal, and the setting of the date were all done, now all she needs to do is show up. My teachers kept looking at me like it was my fault I didn’t act fast enough, as if to say, “It could have been you, we tried our best.”

Modern bride and groom dancing in a common reception hall

Saying "I Do" is Cool

Last weekend I was invited to one of my friend's weddings. This in and of itself is not an unusual thing, but I was rather surprised by the time on the invitation. Normally local weddings start in the morning, and there are events at both the bride's and the groom's mosques, and a whole day long celebration. This friend however invited me to come to a hotel at 5 p.m.

Once I got there, I found out that earlier in the day they had done the traditional ceremonial wedding stuff, and that I had been invited to the party for their friends and co workers. Now you have to understand that the girl who was getting married is very trendy... she has learned English and thinks anything western is cool. It was obvious by her sleeveless, strapless, white wedding dress that she showed up in. Something tells me that was not what she was wearing to the mosque earlier in the day.
She and her husband followed two little kids (the ring bearer and flower girl) as they walked into the room to our ever so traditional tune 'here comes the bride'. Their friend who was acting as the receptions MC then asked them... in a some what mocking voice if they promised to "love, honor, and cherish each other in sickness and in health as long as they both shall live" they both said "I Do". Following which the ring bearer presented them with rings to exchange. The next thing I knew the MC was doing karaoke and cracking jokes.

It was a weird night to see such a scared ceremony being taken as a cool, trendy, cultural symbol.